Blame
by janezy
Summary: What happens when a shuttle accident claims one of Voyager's most beloved crewmembers? J/C.


Blame  
  
By janezy. Send Feedback to janezy@yahoo.com  
  
Rated: R  
  
Written: June 2001  
  
VOY -- J/C  
  
What happens when a shuttle accident claims one of Voyager's most beloved crewmembers?  
  
  
  
Captain Kathryn Janeway walked briskly down the hallway of her ship, the Federation Starship Voyager.  
  
Behind her, at a dead run to catch up, was the youngest member of the crew, Naomi Wildman. "Captain!" she yelled to get the older woman's attention.  
  
Kathryn stopped and turned. "Naomi," she said, smiling, "what can I do for you?"  
  
"Uncle Neelix told me that you and he are going to be taking a shuttle to Baralla."  
  
"That's true. We're going to negotiate trade rights."  
  
Naomi steeled herself, standing stock straight and putting on the command face she had often seen the Captain employ. "Requesting permission to accompany you."  
  
Kathryn smiled at the formality of the request, but knew she couldn't grant it. "An away mission is no place for a child."  
  
"But, Captain," Naomi said, a bit of a whine entering her voice, "I'm supposed to be your assistant."  
  
Kathryn struggled to remain serious and not break down into laughter right in the corridor. "You are, Naomi," she said, patting her arm, "which is why I need you here while I'm away."  
  
Naomi looked crestfallen. "It's just that I've never been in a shuttle. And I've never seen Voyager from the outside."  
  
Kathryn remembered her first trip in a shuttle -- a trip to Mars with her father. She was about Naomi's age when that happened. She could feel her resolve melting.  
  
"If your mother says it's okay, meet us in Shuttle Bay Two at 0800 hours tomorrow."  
  
Naomi's depressed look quickly became jubilation. "Oh, thank you! Thank you!" she said, hugging Kathryn's waist. She seemed to realize the impropriety of the act and jumped away, returning to her command stance. "Thank you, ma'am. You won't be disappointed. I look forward to the opportunity." She then took off down the hall in search of her mother.  
  
Kathryn shook her head and laughed to herself.  
  
~*~  
  
Kathryn walked into the shuttle bay the next morning at 0745 to find Neelix and Commander Chakotay preparing the shuttle.  
  
"Commander," she said with surprise. "I wasn't expecting to see you here. Where's Mr. Paris?"  
  
Chakotay tried to suppress a smile, but it still showed in his eyes. "He had a little . . . accident last night. He's going to be laid up in sick bay for the next couple of hours. So, I'm going to pilot the shuttle."  
  
"Ah." she said knowingly, also trying to keep her smile from showing. She knew as well as Chakotay that Tom's "accident" was really a case of over- enthusiastic lovemaking. "There's going to be one other addition to the crew."  
  
As if on cue, the shuttle bay doors opened to admit Naomi Wildman, her mother in tow. "Naomi, Ensign." Kathryn nodded to both. "Good morning."  
  
"Good morning, Captain," said Ensign Samantha Wildman. "I hope this isn't an imposition."  
  
"No, not at all," said Kathryn, smiling. "As Naomi pointed out, it's about time the Captain's Assistant saw Voyager from the outside."  
  
Samantha returned the smile, but looked worried beneath it. "Are you sure you're okay with this?" Chakotay asked her quietly, so Naomi couldn't hear.  
  
"A mother worries, you know." She looked at him meaningfully. "Just, take care of her."  
  
"I will," pledged Chakotay. "She'll be fine. We'll be back on the ship in no time."  
  
Samantha nodded, but still looked worried. "Well," she said uncomfortably, "my duty shift starts in five minutes." She bent down to look Naomi in the eyes. "You be sure and do whatever the captain and the commander tell you." Naomi nodded solemnly. Samantha hugged her, a little too hard, then quickly retreated from the room.  
  
Naomi turned enthusiastically to Kathryn. "What are my orders, ma'am?"  
  
Chakotay put a hand on her shoulder and led her inside the shuttle. "Why don't you help me finish the pre-flight check?"  
  
Kathryn smiled to Neelix. "I think this is going to be an interesting trip."  
  
~*~  
  
Fifteen minutes later, the four of them were underway. Chakotay and Kathryn sat in the front of the shuttle, Neelix and Naomi in the rear.  
  
Naomi was full of questions, and Kathryn was happy that Neelix was there to answer them. He was far more patient than she.  
  
"Uncle Neelix, why are we taking a shuttle instead of beaming down to Baralla?"  
  
"Because this is a first contact situation. We try not to use technology until we're sure that a culture has an equivalent." He left out what could happen, and had happened, when they jumped the gun in the past. The Kazon trailed them for over a year trying to get Voyager's transporter and replicator technology.  
  
"Naomi," said Chakotay. "I'm going to turn so you get a good view of Voyager." As he spoke, Voyager came into view. They had exited from the rear and were slowly making their way around to the front of the large ship.  
  
"Wow," Naomi said in wonderment. She gaped at the ship.  
  
Kathryn smiled. Seeing someone else react to seeing the ship was almost like seeing it herself for the first time. Or like the way she felt when the red dot of Mars steadily grew as they got closer and closer. It was at that moment that she was certain she wanted to follow in her father's footsteps. She could see that same look in Naomi's eyes. Kathryn was pleased; it wouldn't be long before they would need Naomi to become a productive crew member.  
  
Chakotay glanced over at Kathryn and smiled himself. She hadn't looked this happy in months, and he loved to see her happy.  
  
Suddenly, the sound of klaxons filled the tiny craft. Chakotay's eyes went wide as he took in what the consoles where telling him. They had suddenly encountered a sub-space anomaly. It would take some pretty fancy flying to get around it. He pushed the ship hard to port, almost in a roll. Then they dived down.  
  
Kathryn busied herself trying to contact Voyager. She frantically pushed buttons on her console. "The anomaly is interfering with communications."  
  
Neelix hurriedly got Naomi strapped into her seat and strapped himself in to his.  
  
"This thing is moving all over the place," yelled Chakotay above the klaxons.  
  
"Try to get here," Kathryn pointed to a place on the spatial grid on his console which was free of the red pulsing the computer had associated with the anomaly.  
  
"I'm trying," he said. They stopped diving and moved to starboard, then began to climb.  
  
"The stress is causing microfractures in our hull," said Kathryn. "We have to -- "  
  
Kathryn never got to finish her sentence. There was a flash of light and the craft spiraled downward, toward the surface of the second moon of Baralla. Before Chakotay could respond, the gravitational forces of the moon sucked them in and increased their speed -- and the pressure on the hull. There was the sound of metal twisting and ripping and then there was no sound at all. There was nothing at all. Only blackness and silence.  
  
~*~  
  
Kathryn was the first to pull herself out of the emptiness. She began to stir and take in her surroundings. She was still in the front half of the shuttle and Chakotay was still next to her. Chakotay! She reached over to feel for a pulse and got a weak response. She felt under her seat for the med kit and took out the tricorder. Running it over him, she could see that he was suffering from a concussion and three broken ribs. Nothing serious. She ran the tricorder over herself and found she had escaped the accident unharmed. Lucky me, she thought sarcastically. She looked behind her to see how Neelix and Naomi had fared. But, they weren't there. To be more accurate, the entire back of the shuttle was gone. And it wasn't anywhere that Kathryn could see it scanning with the naked eye.  
  
Her brain told her it was time to start planning. First, try to contact Voyager, Then heal Chakotay. Then find Neelix and Naomi. Prioritize, set goals, and accomplish them. She punched a few buttons on her console and saw communications were offline. She would have to modify some of the systems to send out an emergency distress call. That would take time.  
  
Okay, heal Chakotay, then find Neelix and Naomi, then set up the distress call. She reached in the med kit and made some adjustments to a hypospray before placing it on Chakotay's neck and releasing the stimulants into him. He moaned and started to move his head.  
  
Suddenly he bolted upright. "Kathryn!" he called out.  
  
"I'm right here, Chakotay," she said soothingly. "I'm fine. You have a concussion and some broken ribs."  
  
"Where are Neelix and Naomi?" he asked, turning.  
  
"I don't know. Hold still," she said, trying to run a regenerator over his head.  
  
"We have to find them," he said frantically.  
  
"We will," she said, "but first we have to get you patched up."  
  
"I'm fine," he said, pushing away the regenerator, "but they're out there somewhere and could be in much worse shape than I am."  
  
"You're not fine, Commander," said Kathryn, a bit of anger entering her voice. "Now sit still for five minutes and then we'll go find Naomi and Neelix -- together."  
  
Chakotay exhaled loudly, but stopped squirming. After a long minute running the regenerator over his head, she moved to start running it over his chest.  
  
She looked in his eyes and saw so many emotions playing there. His eyes never could keep a secret, and often belied his calm exterior. It had taken her a couple of years, but she could read his eyes so well now that she knew without him saying so that he was scared, not for himself, but for Naomi.  
  
"There," she said. "You may experience dizziness and disorientation for a few hours because of the concussion, but this should help." She raised the hypospray to his neck again.  
  
He quickly sat up to make use of his console and began scanning the moon's surface for the other half of the shuttle craft. "There they are," he said. "About 3.4 kilometers that way." He pointed the direction with his fingers and stood. "Let's go."  
  
"Hold on a moment. Let's put together some supplies first. A med kit, emergency rations." She pulled a box from underneath Chakotay's seat and pulled out a backpack. She opened it to check its contents: rations, water, a blanket, a phaser, and two wrist lamps. She stowed the med kit in there as well and zipped it closed. She hefted it onto her shoulders and began adjusting the straps.  
  
"I'll carry that," said Chakotay, reaching for the bag.  
  
"Oh, no," she replied, taking a step back. "I just healed your ribs. You're not putting any undue strain on them." She started off in the direction Chakotay had pointed out at a brisk walk. He ran a couple of steps to catch up with her, then matched her stride. Despite her small size, she could walk pretty fast.  
  
They walked in silence for several minutes, using their tricorders to record their surroundings.  
  
"We're coming up to a ravine," said Kathryn, holding her tricorder in front of her and punching several buttons. It's too wide to cross; we'll have to go around it."  
  
"How far?" asked Chakotay.  
  
"It will take us 1.2 kilometers out of the way."  
  
"Aargh!" he screamed. "Fine, but let's pick up the pace."  
  
"Alright," she agreed, and set off jogging. They soon found the edge of the ravine and turned to make their way around it. By the time they had rounded the far edge and were halfway back to the point they started on the other side, Kathryn was beginning to get winded. The atmosphere on the moon was thinner than she was used to, plus she was carrying a fairly heavy pack.  
  
"We have to walk for a while," she said, breathing heavily. Chakotay nodded. She saw the sweat lining his brow and could tell from his coloring that he was even worse off than she was. It wasn't a good idea for him to exert himself so much right after getting a concussion. But she could see from the look of desperation in his eyes that it would be no use to try to convince him of that. After only a couple minutes of walking, he started jogging again and she matched his pace.  
  
Soon they could see the twisted back half of the shuttle craft in the distance, and Chakotay picked up the pace even more to a sprint. Kathryn couldn't keep up with him, but got to the site a minute later. He had already removed the safety belt from Naomi and had laid her on the ground. He was feeling for a pulse.  
  
"I'm not getting anything. Give me the med kit," he barked.  
  
Kathryn removed the pack from her back, opened it, and handed him the kit. She moved to take Neelix out of his seat and lay him on the ground next to Naomi.  
  
Chakotay frantically opened the med kit to pull out the medical tricorder. He held it over Naomi's chest and a long whine was emitted. The long whine indicative of cardiac arrest. The long whine of death.  
  
Kathryn's head snapped up from her ministrations over Neelix. Chakotay was staring at Naomi in disbelief. He was unable to move.  
  
Gently, Kathryn pulled the tricorder from his hand and ran it over Naomi herself. Her voice caught in her throat as she tried to relay her findings to Chakotay. She tried to swallow the painful nodule in her throat which meant she was about to cry. She couldn't cry now. She had things to do. Damn it, she was a starship captain.  
  
Finally, she managed to find her voice. "She suffered massive internal injuries. She died on impact." She reached up to close Naomi's eyes, which stared through the ceiling of the shuttlecraft to the space beyond. Those eyes, which had been so full of excitement and awe just hours ago. Those eyes, which told of a soul so full of promise.  
  
Chakotay continued to stare at Naomi, not really seeing her. Kathryn tried to pull herself together. She turned to Neelix to run the tricorder over him. "He's alive, but in a coma."  
  
It was time to prioritize again, Kathryn thought. Set goals, accomplish them. First, try to forget that this is all your fault. Then, try to pretend that you're okay. Then, salvage what you can from this death trap and get the hell out of here.  
  
Kathryn stood and rapidly busied herself with opening cabinets and pulling out emergency supplies. She started talking, more to herself than to Chakotay. "We have to get back to the front half of the shuttle. We have to send out a distress call, and the equipment to do that is in the front half. But, I don't know how long it will take Voyager to receive the call. We should stock up on supplies while we're here so we won't have to come back." She had filled one bag with supplies and was filling another. "We'll have to set up a stretcher to drag Neelix with us."  
  
Chakotay finally looked up. "What about Naomi?" he asked.  
  
"She's dead," said Kathryn matter-of-factly.  
  
"So we're just going to leave her here?"  
  
"I don't think we have any choice. When Voyager finds us, we can . . ." she paused, knowing that there was nothing that Voyager could do to help Naomi. "We can beam her up for a proper service."  
  
"I want to do one now," Chakotay said firmly, and Kathryn nodded her assent. Chakotay passed his hands over Naomi and whispered words in the language of his people, releasing her spirit and thanking the gods for the time that she was allowed to dwell with him and enrich his life. He then repeated the words in English, for Kathryn's benefit.  
  
She felt the lump start to rise in her throat again, but pushed it down. No time for that now, she thought, and started building a stretcher for Neelix.  
  
Without speaking, Chakotay helped her lift Neelix onto it, and put the three bags of supplies on it as well. Kathryn had designed the stretcher so that the two of them would grab a strap on the front and pull, dragging Neelix behind them. Kathryn grabbed one strap and Chakotay the other. They started their long walk back to the front half of the shuttle in silence.  
  
~*~  
  
The next couple of hours were a blur to Kathryn. They dragged Neelix all the way back and started immediately to set up the distress beacon. After that was done, they readied the shuttle for night. The sun was going out of view, and Kathryn knew it was going to get very cold. The atmosphere was so thin that it wouldn't hold in much of the warmth of the day. At her request, Chakotay hung a couple of the blankets over the gaping hole at the back of the shuttle. The space was very confined, now. They laid Neelix length-wise across the pilot and copilot's seats and draped a blanket over him. They had done everything they could for him medically and had to wait for Voyager and the Doctor to find out if it had been enough.  
  
When it seemed all their tasks were completed, they sat on the floor and ate their emergency rations in silence. Finally, they settled down to sleep. They had to share a blanket. After hanging two in the back and giving one to Neelix, there was only one left. So, they huddled together, and Kathryn laid her head on Chakotay's chest.  
  
There was nothing left to prioritize. There were no more goals to set, nothing more to accomplish. Only time stretching out like a desert. Time to think about how it was she who allowed Naomi to come along. Time to think about how it was she who told Chakotay to get to the point in space where their hull was ripped apart. Time to think about how she was going to break it to Samantha Wildman that her only child was dead.  
  
Time to cry. The events of the day replayed themselves over and over and she couldn't fight back the tears this time. She started shaking against Chakotay's frame and he could feel the tears soak through his uniform. He stroked her head. "Ssh. It's okay," he said, even though he knew it wasn't and might never be again. "It's okay."  
  
He sat them up so he could hug her tightly. He moved a hand to her face and wiped the tears from her cheek with his thumb. Then he kissed her cheek.  
  
Kathryn felt the kiss on her cheek and, without conscious thought, turned into it to kiss him on the lips. She continued to cry, almost sobbing now, but also continued to kiss him. She clung to him for salvation. Moments later, they were both removing the others' clothing and, soon after, they were lying down again. She felt Chakotay enter her and it brought her pain. It had been so long. She screamed through the sobs, but grabbed his backside to push him further into her. She deserved this pain, she thought.  
  
He withdrew his length, only to slam back into her forcefully. He began a slow, desperate rhythm. She bucked her hips to crash into him with an equal force. Along with the pain came a pleasure. A pleasure she didn't deserve. She increased her speed to get him to go faster as well. Soon, the pleasure overwhelmed the pain despite her best efforts and her screams changed in their timbre. And soon after, it was over. They lay panting and gasping. He rolled out of her and pulled the blanket up to cover them. She didn't see the tear roll down his face as they both drifted off to a fitful sleep.  
  
~*~  
  
"Voyager to the away team." Tuvok's voice woke Kathryn and she sat up immediately.  
  
"Janeway here."  
  
"Captain, we're in orbit around the moon and are ready to beam you up."  
  
"Beam Neelix directly to sick bay right now."  
  
"Acknowledged." The familiar whine of the transporter sounded and Neelix vanished from sight. Kathryn shook Chakotay.  
  
"Commander, wake up." Chakotay's eyes opened. "Voyager's here." She stood and offered an arm to him to help him up.  
  
She hit her comm badge. "Two to beam up."  
  
They arrived in the transporter room and Samantha Wildman was already there. Damn, thought Kathryn. I thought I'd have more time to prepare for this.  
  
Sam looked wildly around the transporter room. "Where's Naomi?" she asked, although she already knew what the answer would be.  
  
Kathryn stepped from the pad to lay a comforting hand on Sam's arm. "I'm sorry, Sam. Her injuries were too severe. She died on impact."  
  
"No," Sam said, shaking her head violently. "No." She looked to Chakotay for confirmation. His silence told her everything she needed to know. She looked at him with a rage no one had ever seen in her eyes before. "You promised me," she hissed. "You promised me she would be okay, that you would take care of her."  
  
Chakotay's eyes widened. She was voicing all the things that he'd said to himself over and over in the last day. It was his fault. He had let Naomi down, let Samantha down, let them all down. If he had just been a better pilot, none of this would have happened.  
  
Kathryn looked to Chakotay and saw his stunned expression. "This isn't the commander's fault," she said. "It was just an accident. I'm sorry," she said again.  
  
A security team arrived at the transporter room, at the request of the ensign running the transporter.  
  
Kathryn looked at Samantha and knew that nothing she could say was going to help her right now. Sam needed some time to let the news sink in. "Please escort Ensign Wildman to Sick Bay."  
  
One of the officers nodded and took Samantha by the arm to lead her away. She turned to look at Chakotay one more time.  
  
"I hate you," she screamed. The security team began dragging her out of the transporter room. "I hate you. I hate you," she screamed louder. Even after the door closed behind her, her shouts could be heard for several moments.  
  
Chakotay had moved to support himself on the wall. Kathryn turned to the transporter officer. "Give us a moment?" she asked. The ensign practically ran from the room, happy to leave the scene. Kathryn moved to face Chakotay.  
  
"It's not your fault, Chakotay." She raised a hand to brush his cheek, but he pushed her away.  
  
"Isn't it?" he asked bitterly. "Do you think a better pilot would have let that shuttle crash?"  
  
"You're an excellent pilot. You did everything you could."  
  
"Do you think Tom Paris would have crashed that shuttle?"  
  
"I --"  
  
"-- No, he wouldn't have. He would have saved you all. He would have outmaneuvered that anomaly and gotten you safely to the trade negotiations. Or he would have gotten you back to Voyager. Regardless, Naomi would still be alive. It's all my fault she's not."  
  
"Your fault!" Kathryn shot back incredulously. "I allowed her to join us on that trip. I should have known better. If anyone is to blame, it's me."  
  
He looked at her in disbelief. "Hardly. The blame rests squarely with me. And to top it off, I practically rape you."  
  
It was Kathryn's turn to look at him questioningly. "What are you talking about?!"  
  
"You were screaming. Screaming in agony. But I was too busy fucking my brains out to stop."  
  
They stared at each other for several long moments. Kathryn had no idea how to respond to that. She hadn't wanted him to stop. She wanted the pain. She wished she could feel that kind of physical pain now, instead of this heart-wrenching sadness. Physical pain was much easier to deal with. But, she couldn't formulate her ideas into a cogent response and just stared at him.  
  
"Sick Bay to Janeway."  
  
Kathryn tore her gaze from Chakotay and activated her comm badge. "Janeway here."  
  
"Mr. Neelix is awake and has asked to see you."  
  
"On my way." She looked at Chakotay with sadness. "We'll have to finish this later."  
  
"Oh, we're finished," he said and stormed out of the transporter room. She wanted to go after him, but walked to Sick Bay instead.  
  
~*~  
  
Kathryn entered Sick Bay and walked to Neelix's beside, noting that Samantha lay sleeping on another bed on the far end of the room. The Doctor followed behind her and began scanning to see if she was injured.  
  
Neelix raised up his hand and she took it in her own.  
  
"Captain," he said grimly. "What happened?"  
  
"We encountered a subspace anomaly. Commander Chakotay tried to steer around it, but it moved so quickly that we had to make several fast course corrections. It placed an extreme amount of pressure on our hull and we crashed on one of the moons of Baralla."  
  
Neelix nodded. That all sounded familiar. "Naomi?" he asked.  
  
Kathryn shook her head. Neelix started to tear up, but waited for the captain to continue. "The ship was torn apart. The commander and I landed in one spot and you and Naomi in another. By the time we got to you, she was already gone. In fact, she died almost immediately upon impact."  
  
"How are you and the commander?"  
  
"I wasn't injured at all," she said, almost bitterly. She would gladly have suffered some wounds if it would bring Naomi back. "Chakotay had a concussion and some broken ribs, but he'll be fine."  
  
"The commander was injured?" said the Doctor. "Why wasn't I informed? He should report to Sick Bay immediately."  
  
"I healed him," she said to the Doctor. He was raising a hand to his chest to summon Chakotay to the sick bay, but she put up a hand to stop him. "Give him a couple of hours. I'll see that he stops by before reporting back to duty."  
  
The Doctor rolled his eyes, but nodded his agreement.  
  
"How's Neelix?" she asked.  
  
"He also suffered a concussion, as well as some internal injuries. It was a good thing we found you when we did, or he might not have made it."  
  
Kathryn nodded. "And Ensign Wildman?"  
  
"She was quite distraught. I was forced to sedate her."  
  
"Where is she?" asked Neelix, sitting up.  
  
"Please lay down, Mr. Neelix," said the Doctor, pushing him back into the bed. "She's asleep on the other side of the room, and will be for the next several hours."  
  
"Well, Neelix. I'm going to leave you in the Doctor's capable hands. I trust that you'll help comfort Samantha when she wakes up?" Neelix nodded. "I don't think she really wants to see me or the commander right now." Sam's cries of hatred echoed in Kathryn's memory and she cringed.  
  
She patted Neelix's shoulder one last time before turning to leave Sick Bay.  
  
~*~  
  
When Kathryn stepped onto the Bridge and ordered for a report, both Harry Kim and Tom Paris were surprised to see her. Tuvok had known her much longer, and, as such, had been expecting her. He took in her disheveled appearance, but gave his report as if nothing were wrong.  
  
"All systems are now functioning within normal parameters. Our sensors and communications were thrown off by the anomaly, but they were not damaged and have been reinitialized."  
  
She moved to sit in her chair, but Tuvok threw out an arm to stop her.  
  
"Captain, perhaps you should rest for a few hours. There is no emergency."  
  
Kathryn looked at herself for the first time and realized how awful she must look. Her uniform was filthy and her hair was knotted and matted to her head.  
  
"Maybe you're right, Tuvok. I'll be back to finish out the shift."  
  
Tuvok nodded. He knew that there was no need for her to return to the Bridge. She would be much better served by a good meal and a shower and a full night's sleep. But he also knew that there was no way to convince her of that. She would be back.  
  
~*~  
  
Kathryn felt a little better after showering and putting on a clean uniform, but her major problems were emotional, not physical. No amount of showering would fix that. She had to figure out what to do about Chakotay.  
  
She couldn't imagine what in the universe had possessed her to let her guard down. She had wanted to make love to him for years, but it wasn't something she would allow herself to do. It was too great a risk to their command relationship, and their friendship. After they had done it, she was already planning how she would tell him that it was a mistake, born of their mutual need for solace. It would not, could not, happen again.  
  
But now she was confronted with the knowledge that he thought he had raped her. She couldn't let him berate himself. If anything, she had raped him. He was merely trying to comfort her. She turned it into something sexual. And yes, she had felt pain, but he didn't do anything that she didn't want him to do.  
  
She had to find him and talk to him. It wasn't like her to go into a confrontation without already knowing what to say, but she didn't have time to plan the conversation. He was the one in pain now, and she was the only one who could stop it.  
  
"Computer. Where is Commander Chakotay?" she said to the air.  
  
"Commander Chakotay is on Holodeck One."  
  
What's he doing there?, she thought. She expected him to be in his quarters, or possibly with B'Elanna.  
  
She left her quarters and headed for the holodeck. When she entered, it became all too clear what he was doing there. He was punishing himself. He was running one of B'Elanna's training simulations, and from the looks of it, he had turned off the safety protocols. His forehead was bleeding, as was a gash on his left arm. He was using a bat'leth to fight off two Klingon warriors. One of them knocked him to the ground and was about to deal the death blow.  
  
"Computer, delete characters," Janeway shouted just in time.  
  
Chakotay sat up on his elbows and rolled over to look at her. "What are you doing here?" he asked accusingly.  
  
"Looking for you. Good thing, too. Were you going to let them kill you?"  
  
He chortled. "Good riddance to bad rubbish."  
  
Kathryn's look changed from anger to sympathy. She kneeled on the jungle floor beside him. "Why would you say that?"  
  
He fixed his gaze on a faraway tree. "Because it's true."  
  
"It's not true," she insisted. "Look at me!" Chakotay turned his head to look into her eyes and the pain she saw there made her want to absorb him into herself. "You didn't kill Naomi and you didn't rape me."  
  
"Right," he said sarcastically. "You wanted it like that." He looked away again and she put a hand to his chin to force him to look at her.  
  
"I did." He rolled his eyes. "I wanted to be in pain." As soon as she said the words, she knew they were a mistake.  
  
Chakotay stood up. "Glad I could help give you pain," he said harshly. "Next time try the holodeck." He turned to leave.  
  
"Wait!" Kathryn shouted and stood up herself, running to him. He stopped, but wouldn't turn to face her. She walked around to his front and placed hand on his chest. She inclined her head to look him in the eyes. "I wanted to be in pain, but I also wanted you. I want you." Before she even knew what she was doing, she was reaching up and pulling his head down into a kiss.  
  
What am I doing?, she thought. This is what happens when I don't prepare for a discussion. My stupid heart gets in the way of what I know has to be done. This can't happen. I have to stop. But I don't want to stop.  
  
She opened her lips slightly and felt Chakotay's tongue enter her mouth to embrace her own. Suddenly he broke away and looked into her eyes.  
  
"Is this really what you want?" he asked, "Because there's no going back after this. I'm not a toy."  
  
This was it. He was giving her an out. She could leave now and everything would be okay. But she didn't want an out.  
  
"I love you," she said and pulled him back to her. He responded hungrily, sucking her tongue into his mouth and gently biting her lip. She reached up to touch his face and came back with a palm covered in blood. She stepped away.  
  
"You really need to go to Sick Bay," she said, holding up her hand as evidence.  
  
"Later," he said stepping toward her.  
  
"No, now. That's an order. Computer, end program." The jungle was replaced by the gray walls of the holodeck. "Come on," she said, taking his hand and dragging him into the corridor.  
  
~*~  
  
In Sick Bay, Neelix and Samantha were sitting on her bed, their arms around one another. Both had been crying, but they had run out of tears. They sat in silence, just being comforted by each others' presence. Neelix was the closest thing to a father that Naomi had known, and she was the closest thing to a daughter that he'd ever had. Even though Sam and Neelix weren't in a relationship, they were bonded by their mutual love for that delicate creature who left them much too early.  
  
The doors to Sick Bay opened and both of them looked up to see Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay enter. The captain looks much better, thought Neelix, but the commander looks awful. He hadn't seen Chakotay before and had no way of knowing that, in fact, he looked much worse than he first had when he'd been beamed aboard Voyager a few hours ago.  
  
Kathryn and Chakotay looked to the other side of sick bay hesitantly. They didn't want to cause Samantha to become upset again. She smiled weakly and motioned them over.  
  
"I'm glad you're here," Sam said. "I want to apologize for before."  
  
"No," said Kathryn, "we're sorry."  
  
"You don't have anything to be sorry for. It was an accident. I don't hate you," she said to Chakotay. He merely nodded. "And Captain, I know that nothing in this galaxy could have stopped Naomi from wanting to be on that shuttle. Don't blame yourself for allowing her to go." Kathryn also nodded.  
  
Chakotay and Kathryn's silence impelled Sam to continue. "I know that this was just an accident and that you both did everything you could to save Naomi. I know that in my head. But, to be honest, in my heart, I still blame you. I can't live with this weight on me. I want very much to forgive you, both of you. But I can't do that until you forgive yourselves."  
  
Chakotay swallowed hard. "We'll try, if you will."  
  
Sam nodded and found that she did still have a couple of tears in reserve. As they fell down her cheeks, Neelix looked to the commanding officers and asked for their retreat with his eyes. This was a private moment.  
  
They nodded and moved back to the other side of Sick Bay, where the Doctor was waiting to heal Chakotay's wounds. His head wound quickly disappeared and the Doctor was already working on his arm. It's a pity, he thought, that emotional wounds can't be healed so easily. He looked over at Neelix comforting Sam and he looked down to his own hand, where Kathryn's fingers intertwined with his own. He looked to Kathryn's eyes and saw, for the first time, the love she didn't try to hide. It would take time, he knew, but they would heal. And some things might even be better than before. 


End file.
